Space Weed
by Ginstar3
Summary: A shameless oneshot starring myself and the two most important things in my life. WARNING! EXPLICIT DRUG REFERENCES! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!


After watching Predator and Predator 2, then watching AVP and AVP-R, I realized I was completely out of cigarettes. Action does that to me or maybe it's the amount of weed I smoke..........umm....yeah.......what was I talking about? OH YEAH! Any who after watching the Predator marathon, I decided I had better go get some cigs before I seriously started feening.

Walking out of my apartment, at 3 AM, to the back parking lot, I vaguely notice a slight rumbling. Paying it no mind because I live in downtown Auburn, population 27,958. I'm totally used to people acting like escaped lunatics at all hours of the day. Not to mention that Auburn is where all the surrounding counties send all their mentally unstable and mentally retarded persons. Maybe that's why there is a pharmacy...no scratch that, TWO pharmacies on every major street corner.

Hang on a second.......*burble*burble*burble*.........*...........*............fwooooooooooooooooooo...ahhhh that's better..................holy shit........that was a big hit...........?!?!?..........What?.........Quit yellin' dude, I'm gettin' to it. What the fuck?....

OK! Anyway...I was heading out to my car and as I was going to hit my unlock code into the door panel...yeah I got a Lincoln....I realized the door was accordioned down to the ground....yeah I know...I was like, what the fuck, right? When all of a sudden a big blue, sparkly, crackle ball formed over my car. Being as high as I was, I was like, ooh pretty. So all of a sudden there was a fucking cool looking spaceship sitting on top of my car and since I had just watched the shit out of every Predator movie I own, I was like Oh fucking hell yeah....Right? Anyway this big fucking door swooshes open all cool and alien swooshy like and who walks down the ramp, but a real fucking Predator.

Standing there with a huge stupid grin on my face, I was literally bouncing up and down with excitement. My dream was coming true. Predators were real and I.........HOLY SHIT! Am I going to die?........Standing there, physically fighting the urge to shit my pants, this 7 foot tall Predator walks right up to me and believe it or not he says to me **"Hey, sorry about your land vehicle, but you wouldn't happen to have any meat would you? My meat supply has run out and the only edible thing I've found was a little furry critter that ran up a tree."**

"Meat?...uhh yeah...but it's frozen... Umm, I could get you some fresh meat from the store? Oh wait I can't, you crushed my car."

"**Fresh meat is preferable. Please allow me to escort you to the...what did you call it? **He said, staring down at me.

"The store?...It's about 4 blocks that way." I said pointing down the street. "I'm gonna have to walk. Is that OK with you?"

"**Yes. How much meat can you get? I'm starving."** He said, as his stomach let out the loudest gurgley grumble I have ever heard. Yeah I know......Predator tummies rumble too.....how cute is that. Anyway we headed off the see the wizard.....I mean go to the store....and as we started walking I asked him what his name was. "So...what's your name?"

"_**It's K'ri'tk'kict'ci'lict'rtr'tril'crikl'clik-clik'kik'cree'crik'kric'clik-clik**_**."**

"..........huh wha?........."

"_**K'ri'tk!"**_

"....Cccrriit?.....what?"

"_**Krik.....Krriiiiiikkkkkk." He said**_

"Crick?.....as in....'I have a crick in my neck'....?" I said, skeptically.

"**No..." **He said shaking his head, making his dread locks rattle. **"Krik!...as in, I will dump your lifeless body in a Krik, if you don't pronounce it right!"**

"Oh...KRIK!.....Krik.....I got it, no dumping of bodies required. Krik."

"**Good enough." **He said with a sigh. **"Anyway....do YOU have a name?"**

"Yeah...it's Ginny." I said, hoping I wouldn't have to dump HIS lifeless body in a....Krik.....what?...that didn't even make sense....damn my buzz is wearing off....

"**Nice to meet you, Djinn'e" **Krik responded confidently.

After we had gotten the pleasantries out of the way and after hitting the store like a tribe of cannibals with the munchies, we made our way back to his ship. It was actually pretty cool cuz I didn't have to carry anything. He was like Paris Hilton's personal baggage boy....Wow could he carry a ton of shit...I hope he appreciates this, I thought to myself, I just blew my wad on what was probably just a midnight snack for him.....huh huh, I said, 'blew my wad'...huh huh...wad....

...anyway, heading onto his ship, I was totally freaking out, like a Japanese tourist who had forgotten their camera. There was cool shit to look at everywhere. The red walls were slowly pulsing like a gay Euro-trash night club that got spiked with 'ludes.......Wow did I need some pot right now....

He stuffed all the meat, but one giant roast, into his fridge, which looked like one of those chest freezers, but all cool and alieny and shit...then with the roast under his arm, he motioned me back the way we came and into another room. There were two giant bone chairs, side by side, covered in a shit load of fur...wow PETA would have a massive myocardial infarction..........That's a heart attack you stupid fucker...........and next to the super comfy looking chairs were these cool Star Trek looking side tables, all black and shiny looking. One of them held....believe it or not, a Lava Lamp....fucking cool....and the other one held what looked like a bowl full of Captain Crunch, Crunch Berries, but all the red ones were picked out already......shit......the red ones were my favorite. I guess I'm not the only one who only likes red crunch berries.

Moaning in non sexual bliss as I sank into the plush comfyness of the chair, I gave Krik a look of indulged satisfaction as I nodded. "I totally got to get me one of these." I said with a content sigh. Watching as Krik thumped the roast down on his side table, spilling crunch berries all over in a shower of sugar-coated crunchy goodness.

Lurching to my feet, I rushed to his table to save the little berries from the 5 second rule. Fighting Krik for the last red rolling crunch berry which appeared out of nowhere and epically failing, I claimed the loser's bounty. Scooping up a huge handful of the remaining green, blue, purple and those fucking weird yellow cube looking things, I stuffed them all in my mouth and attempted a chubby bunny grin as I reclaimed my new favorite chair.

"Shmo, Shmrik, are you monna eat that roast raw or what?" I said rudely with my mouth full while eyeballing the giant hunk of raw meat.

"**Hell no....I'm gonna smoke this first."** He said as he magically pulled a hookah out of his ass.....like all TA-DA!! and shit......where the hell did that come from? Taking out a cool looking alien space container he swung the lid open and handed it to me. Inside the tuna can sized container was the biggest, most perfect, holiest of holy, stickiest buds I had ever seen......my eyes turned red just looking at it.......

Krik held his hand out for the container. Possessively glaring back at him, I held the container up to my nose and took the deepest whiff I could take.............mmmm..............spaaace weeeeeeeed................mmm. Reluctantly passing the container back to Krik, I watched as he reverently plucked the bud out of the container with a wicked black talon.............does he paint them that color?......... "DO you paint your nails black or are they naturally that fucking awesome looking?"

"**Nope I'm just fucking awesome like that."** He replied as he stuffed the whole bud in the bowl. Grabbing the stem, he started toking on it as he lit the bud with his cool ass alien Zippo thingy.........Dammit I want one of those too.............cool ass alien Zippo thingy..............his hookah making the dreamiest burbling sound I have ever heard....

Passing the stem to me, he winked his lizard looking eye and opening his mandibles wide...........mandibles are fucking cooool.............he blew a perfectly spherical smoke ball at me........all I could do was stare at it as I blindly groped for the offered stem. Watching the smoke ball float forward, it slowly sank to the floor by my feet where it did a fucking awesome slow-motion water balloon like explosion..........Ooo that was sooo cool..... "That was sooo cool." I said, in my best stoner voice.

Looking at the hookah stem in my hand, all I could do was smile in anticipation. Raising the stem to my lips, I expertly took a toke in true die-hard stoner fashion. My eyes instantly glassing over, I became one with my chair. Looking at Krik, who at this point had turned into a couch potato and had sprawled out in his chair with a leg thrown over the armrest, was so blazed he could barely open his eyes. Noticing me trying not to grin like an idiot at him, Krik started having a hard time holding back his own idiot grin.....................which kind of looked like his mandibles were having seizures.........which made me start to giggle....which made him start huffing.......which made me start cracking up.........which made him start huffing out barks.............which made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe............which made him throw his head back and roar out laughing.............we were laughing our asses off..........I love Space Weed.

The End....


End file.
